As time rolls by in my life, I am more convinced that ever that chosen families matter more than blood families. It is a great and fortuitous thing when blood relatives are also true family members–that is, when they are part of a group of two or more people who are committed to the health, well-being, and delightful unfolding of the lives of one another–but simply because someone has been a sperm donor or even carried a child to birth, or has in some way a large overlap of DNA, is a biological fact that, unless accompanied by something significantly more, is nothing more than some chromosomological data. [The word “chromosomological” appears in Edward Albee’s play, Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf–for those who feel I ought to have employed “chromosomal” there.]
If this sounds harsh, recognize that this is not a denigration of the sexual act of propagation, or of people who take seriously the commitment that creating life places upon them to do right by the children they have produced. It is, however, an acknowledgement that we should not pretend that there is a special aura or even, frankly, a special benefit of the doubt that should be granted persons who bring new life into the world–such as the assumption that they are the best judge of what is in the child’s best interests. Maybe they are, and, if so, it is a great coincidence to be celebrated! But if they are not, if they believe that vaccinations should not be given to their children, if they believe that their children are available to them as whipping objects or for sexual use, if they believe that it is their right to miseducate their children or warp their minds into belief systems that are damaging to the children and to the human community–then, no: such people deserve no benefits of any doubts whatsoever, simply by virtue of some genetic connection to those children.
Consider, if you will, the Holy Family: Joseph, Mary, and Jesus. None of these, if the Bible is to be believed, shared any genetic connections with one another. They are the ultimate in chosen families! Even if Jesus were biologically the child of Mary but not of Joseph, the biblical accounts nonetheless underscore that Joseph still made the choice to use his status as a male in ancient Judea with the power to choose, in order to form a family with this woman and with a child who was not biologically his. Consider also that, following the narrative in the Gospel According to Luke, even Mary and Joseph did not know what was “best” for their young boy when he chose to spend time in the Temple at Jerusalem instead of sticking close to them.
Today’s threesome from the Saints’ Calendar are martyrs who did not share any DNA either. Crescentia and Modestus were married to one another and worked for a wealthy family. Crescentia was nurse to young Vitus. Vitus found that he was more drawn to the beliefs and practices of his nurse and her husband (who were Christians) than to that of his own parents (who were not). His parents tried everything in their power to shape his thoughts, to “guide” him in their ways. They beat the child harshly, they sent him to an ancient variation of reform school, they harangued him and sought to effect reprogramming through their threats and lashings. They were unsuccessful. In fact, Vitus eventually escaped from “Governor’s School” and sought out his nurse and her husband. The three of them then went on the lam (after all, there was no way that Crescentia and Modestus would be allowed to live if it were discovered that Vitus preferred them to his own biological parents!).
As it turned out, although this chosen family escaped Vitus’s biological family, they were caught up in one of those Christian persecutions that occasionally swept through various areas, and all three were executed. But they died as a family, as people who cared affectionately for one another, as people who chose to be there for and with each other, and as people who respected the thoughts, feelings, and beliefs of each other.
Chosen families matter most.