One character from the Gospels that I never liked is Martha. It’s probably just as well that I was not one of those asked to consider whether she should be canonized. That’s me, and I own that.

Now, Martha, Mary, and Lazarus (of raised-from-the-dead fame) were siblings who lived together in Bethany. And the Gospel of John explicitly states that Jesus loved these three, and would stay with them when he was in town.

The most famous scene involving Martha was one time when Jesus and others were dinner guests at the siblings’ home. Mary was fully enjoying the socializing while Martha was scurrying around, trying to be the Correct Hostess. Out of frustration, Martha loudly complained to Mary (rather than taking her aside), telling her sister that she shouldn’t be sitting on her butt when there was (presumably women’s) work to be done! Jesus responded to Martha with great humor, basically saying “You have your hands full of plates, Martha–but Mary is holding the plate that matters.” That is, Mary had her priorities right here, because Mary understood that the true purpose of hosting was the important human interactions that take place–not whether you’ve made sure everyone’s drinks were always full and that all dishes were washed the moment people were done with them and that nothing was out of place.

The other scriptural scene that Martha features prominently is when Lazarus died. The sisters had sent a message to Jesus that Lazarus was close to death, yet Jesus did not drop everything and rush to Bethany. By the time Jesus finally reached the town, Lazarus was dead. Martha came out to Jesus and began accusing him, telling Jesus that had he come when first summoned, Lazarus would not have died. Yet Jesus did not snap back at Martha–he saw through the ranting and understood that this was Martha’s way of expressing grief. (And, in the end, Jesus went on to raise Lazarus from the dead).

Maybe I don’t care for Martha because of all the people that she reminds me of, people who have made my own life more difficult because they wanted me (and others) to behave according to some predetermined code. Few things rankle me as much as being told, “You’re not acting like you’re supposed to!” According to whom? Who made you the police?!

Actually, with respect to Martha, my learning comes from how Jesus responded. He intervened when Martha was shaming Mary in front of others–with warmth and humor. Jesus on the other hand did not respond to personal accusations from Martha–he recognized her pain and that was enough. Jesus never agreed that Martha was right–but refused to engage her energies in a reactive way. It was never “Stop bitching and shut up!” It was not, “Don’t accuse me because I didn’t jump when you snapped your fingers.” It was not, “The world doesn’t revolve around you and your concerns.” Instead, Jesus saw Martha as, well, Martha–perhaps trapped by the ways in which she was raised, boxed in by her beliefs of what is proper, hurt by the loss of her brother and looking for others to blame for her unhappiness.

Take away the idea that Jesus was some special “omni-understanding and omni-compassionate” God-man who always acted reasonably and lovingly. That notion is not at all scriptural: Jesus once cursed a fig tree because he was hungry and there were no figs on it, even though it wasn’t the season for figs; Jesus once refused to care about a foreign woman’s needs until she righteously called him out in public; Jesus overturned the tables of merchants in the temple because of his own ideas about what should and should not happen there.

Instead, recognize that Jesus did some very heavy lifting here with Martha! It’s tough work–not quietly sitting by while others are being shamed in your presence, not snapping back at people who are bitching you out, not defending your own choices and actions (or inactions) when unreasonably accused. Perhaps Jesus recognized that maybe he wasn’t so very different than Martha after all. Maybe that enabled him to meet her with kindness, rather than acquiescence, taking the path of least resistance, or responding in frustration or annoyance. Jesus found a way to let Martha be Martha while he continued being Jesus.