When I was in seminary at Boston University, I attended a weekend seminar led by the Rev. Marie Fortune whose area of expertise involved religious, spiritual and cultural issues related to sexual abuse and domestic violence. Fortune presented us all with this tragic and well-documented research:

• When women have been battered in their domestic relationships, which profession do they most frequently turn to for help? (think police, doctors, clergy, social workers, clinicians, et al.)
• When women have escaped violent domestic relations and been able to heal sufficiently, which profession do they most frequently list as the least helpful?

The answer in both cases is the same–CLERGY: most frequently sought out for help by battered women; least helpful in getting them out and away from the abuse.

The roots of this phenomenon certainly stretch back centuries and centuries in Christianity. Today’s “saint” is Monica (mother of another, even more illustrious saint, Austin). I am here quoting at length from Butler’s exaltation of Monica’s exemplary behavior as a wife and a counselor to other wives:

As soon as marriageable, [Monica] was disposed of to one Patricius, a citizen of Tagaste, a man of honour and probity, but an idolater. She obeyed and served him as her master, and laboured to gain him to God: though the chief argument she used, whereby to reclaim him from his vices, was the sanctity of her conduct, enforced by an obliging affectionate behaviour, by which she commanded his love, respect, and esteem. She had by him two sons, Austin and Navigius, and one daughter. She tolerated the injuries done by him to her marriage-bed in such manner, as never to make him the least bitter reproach on that subject. As on the one side he was very good natured and loving, so on the other, he was hasty and choleric. Monica never thwarted him by the least action or word whilst she saw him in anger; but when the fit was over and he was calm, she mildly gave him her reasons, and an account of her actions. When she saw other wives bearing the marks of their husband’s anger on their disfigured faces, and heard them blaming their [husbands’] roughness and debaucheries, she would answer them, “Lay the blame rather on yourselves and your tongues.” (emphasis added)

And, yes, this Monica was canonized by the Church and for well over a millennia and a half has been held up as an example for wives (and mothers with children). Of course, as these things go, if one woman facing violence can withstand it without blaming her husband, then all women should be capable of this. If only every woman would learn to hold her tongue, manage her husband’s moods, blame herself rather than him, and put her trust in Christianity, then everyone would be so much happier. Or at least we wouldn’t have women blaming men or expecting men to take responsibility for their own words and actions.

This is tragic. This is unacceptable. This is horrifying. I have no trouble believing that Monica did what she needed to do and could do, in her time and place, to survive her marriage and protect her children. But it is utterly detestable and unacceptable for men to write up a story about a woman they chose to canonize, their Saint Monica, and proclaim her as a model for all Christian women to follow.

Women are NOT to blame for any violence or abuse that they suffer. Not the first time, not the hundredth time, not any time.