Quirinus was one of those martyred saints that proved nigh-impossible to kill. He was old. He was shackled, beaten with clubs, and all manner of indignities. He continued to tell one and all he would not offer incense to Jupiter or bow the knee to anyone other than the Christian God. In prison, a light shone on him, and when he subsequently prayed with a group of Christian women, his chains fell off.

Finally, Quirinus’s aura (and the light and the de-shackling) so freaked out his jailers that they dropped him off at their superior’s quarters and headed out as fast as they could. This time, instead of getting threats, Quirinus was offered all kinds of promises (carrots, not sticks). But when he said, “Nope, not even for all the tea in China,” his fate was sealed…almost! The order was given to tie a heavy chain around him with a millstone at the other end, and for Quirinus to be thrown into the river–in front of a huge crowd (you know, as a cautionary tale).

Well, what should happen but Quirinus stayed afloat! In fact, he just began slowly floating down the river and preaching to the gathered crowds, having a good old fashioned hymn-sing, and encouraging them to be of good cheer! This went on for quite a while–long enough, Quirinus felt, that the power of God was shown to the people on the riverbanks…and then it went on SO long that Quirinus feared he would miss out on getting that martyr-killed-goes-straight-to-heaven experience! As a result, Quirinus told God, “Hey! Yoo-hoo! Will you take me now? I’d like to go straight past purgatory and be with Thee, and, really, I’m an old man, and this being beaten and thrown into the river stuff has run its course.” (Yes, I’m taking a little bit of license, but the sense is all there.) That’s when God “allowed” Quirinus to drown and go directly to Paradise.

Cool, huh?