In my experience–spanning well over half a century–I have found it to be axiomatic that no good comes when someone says to me, “X person said something about you that I feel that you really need to know.” NOTHING GOOD EVER COMES FROM THIS! In fact, I have trained myself to quickly interrupt such a person (usually coming to me as a “concerned friend”) and ask that friend not to tell me. I don’t want to know what that church person or that fellow attorney or that supervisor or that ex-boyfriend or that relative said about me behind my back (especially as filtered through the messenger’s comprehension). Frankly, I wouldn’t even want to view a videotape. It has never helped me to discover that persons I trust (or must care about for whatever reason) have said negative things about me. It’s never been a case of “forewarned is forearmed” and it’s always been a case of “Fine. Now what do I do with this information?”–because the messenger so frequently says something like “and please don’t tell them that I told you this!”

This process is often named as triangulation. Sometimes it’s actually initiated by the first speaker who is sending me a message, knowing that the messenger will of course tell me. And it allows the first speaker the ability to claim a plausible deniability–they get their knives stuck into me and are immune to being held accountable, inasmuch as the messenger was the actual agent of the knifing!

Oh, it is so very hard to resist–how can one bear knowing that there are opinions or information out there, related to oneself, and choose not to hear it?! Well, first, experience has taught me that it NEVER EVER EVER ends up doing me any good. I am left with the pain, the lack of faith, the resultant paranoia, and without the tools to do anything but take the messenger in hand and go together to the reported first speaker and have a confrontation. But you know what? Very few if any messengers are willing to do so! And what happens in those rare instances where I’ve been able to do this? Typically, the speaker denies everything, or explains that the messenger misunderstood things; the messenger’s relationship with the speaker is ruptured; and my relationship with both is likewise damaged. And I am still left feeling bad. Or perhaps the speaker owns saying what was reported, with an attitude of “So what are you going to do about it?” And what I’ve done has been to tell the speaker that I expect him or her to come to me directly in the future and not use messengers. Ta da.

So let me here give a hearty “Amen!” to today’s saint, Elzear. At one point, Elzear and his wife, Delphina, came across correspondence of an up-to-then trusted officer who was serving their family. Apparently, the officer had written to Elzear’s father, telling him how unfit Elzear was and how Elzear should be disinherited, and other “outrageous calumnies.” Butler continues:

Delphina was moved to indignation upon reading such impudent invectives, and said she hoped he (Elzear) would crush and never foster in his breast such a scorpion, who, whilst he looked and spoke fair, could bear such deadly poison in his tail. St. Elzear told her that Christ commands us not to revenge, but to forgive injuries, and to overcome the venom of hatred by charity: that therefore he would destroy, and never make mention of these letters.

What’s more, when the officer next came into Elzear’s presence, the saint greeted him warmly and gave him a wonderful gift, treating him with extraordinary kindness. This is reminiscent of the somewhat arch advice from the book of Proverbs:

If thine enemy be hungry, give him bread to eat;

and if he be thirsty, give him water to drink:

For thou shalt heap coals of fire upon his head,

and the Lord shall reward thee. (25:21-22, KJV)

Perhaps this was an ancient form of the idea of “kill them with kindness”–and it actually is an effective means of refusing to lose sleep, lose confidence, and lose power in a situation of triangulation. Sure, this might not change the original carper into a trustworthy friend. And it certainly doesn’t mean suppressing knowledge one possesses (whether desired or not). What it does mean is that you put an end to the negative energy drain whenever you become the target/victim of triangulation! Squash and bury it with kindness and move on!

Thanks, Elzear!